Emerging

Having a migraine is a miserable existence. I'm talking knocked out of life. Forget productivity. Social cues and contact--I cannot grasp or handle it. Repetitive noises are like arrows into my brain. Battery acid spilling around my right hemisphere, overflowing into the orbit of my eye. Then comes the point of nausea and vomiting. Where it seems rational that I'll feel better once I do. But really? It's inhuman. Half the day spent over a toilet. Or sleeping just outside the bathroom door on the floor. Kneading the skin over my temple. Any alternate stimuli. Even throwing up is a better alternate stimuli.

Sometimes I wish I could push a button to take me out of life for a time.

I wonder if many people wish this. In worse circumstances than I.

* * *
But then there are the blessings in this curse...

I call it Emerging.
The easing of the pain. Out of no where. Like fog lifting in the sun.

I find myself enjoying smiling or laughing at a joke.  Or catching a moment without pain. (There. *gasp* I feel nothing)


The blessing of nothing.

Then gradually more nothing. Beautiful.

When there is majority of nothing I get to take a shower.
My Emerging Ritual.

To wash away the pain. The grime of the day. The ushering in of something new. To let water wash over a broken body and celebrate a new day is the most beautiful thing. I am here. I feel good.

Thanks be to God for Feeling Nothing. For feeling GOOD!

Thank you, GOD!  For New. For beginnings. For starting over.

* * *

And this is the second thing I am thankful for.

I am thankful for the way my migraines make me appreciate the goodness in mundane, everyday life.  The way they make me appreciative the other side of things.

Though I think I would give them up in a second, these beastly migraines. I hate them passionately for they are crippling at times. But I do know that I'm a truly more thankful, more genuine person with this little swagger in my step.
Not everyone has the opportunity to Emerge on a weekly basis. To into a clean, new state. To feel like they have been born again so often...and have the opportunity to say thank you for the everyday.

And for this I am grateful.

Rejuvination comes in many forms...

Yesterday, rejuvenation came in the form of a shower curtain liner, laundry, and a resume.

I've been feeling so anxious about retooling my resume and cover letter. In a few short months, I am about to be a bonafide physical therapist. I can hardly believe this. This scares the hell out of me. It means being responsible, vulnerable. Putting myself out there with no excuses. I want to be the best. (I know this only comes in time, with practice). However, there is no longer the comfort of having more schooling left to learn what I do not know. This mixed with the fact that for some reason I’m nervous about finding a job.  I recognize this pattern as my personal sort of neuroses. The anxiousness that puts me into a sort of paralyzed state.  Yesterday, I decided to do the resume. Baby steps.  It was easier than I thought as I pretty much had it done. Resume, cover letter and one application done. Phew! Was I holding my breath the past few weeks? Perhaps.

Brick off my shoulder.

In the time that I was putting off getting my feet on the ground with looking for a job, my laundry had piled up.  Can’t see the bottom of my closet, pile up. Where’s my tank top/running tights/socks/shoe? Oh here it is {hopefully} in my laundry basket! That sort of piled up. And so I sorted my laundry. I pulled the shoes/relatively clean jeans/worn once hoodies out and hauled it all next door. Filled up all three machines. Fed it many, many quarters. Dosed the machined with Gain.  Scrub a dub.

In the mean time, I went for a run. (Listening to American Wife, very entertaining). Came back. Switched my laundry. Cleaned myself off in the shower. Retrieved my loads of dry, wonderful dry clothes and overturned the piles of clothes and towels on the bed. Isn’t fresh laundry the most delicious thing? How the inside of the pile stays warm for hours? The clean, fresh smell. You could just about eat it. I had an actually thought of how I wanted to climb in the pile, like a little baby with static-y hair immersed in fresh laundry. I wanted that.

Then there is the way the new shower curtain liner I put up (while I was showering—ultimate multitasker here). It smelled like childhood vacations. Blue water and arm floaties. The way it made over the interior of our shower was revolutionary. Taking down the old tattered, mildewing one. Replacing with new, grommeted, side suction cup, vacation smelling version. A very, very good decision.

I came away from the laundry, my shower curtain liner and my resume feeling like a new person, standing taller. Ready to shmear on some make up and take on the world. No more hiding in the sand for me.

Jason got home and asked me how my day was. Great! I feel SO much better. I did my resume, did laundry, and put a new shower curtain liner up! Wait until you see it, you’ll love it, Jas!

I’m not sure he was as changed as I was by the new liner, but he was impressed by the grommets and the liner’s power to alter his wife’s take on the world.  To take bricks off her shoulders. I think he loves it as much as I do.

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On another note: Mixed blessings:   Jason has the worst cold right now.

Translation, focus power is way down

Translation number 2. More time with Josie.

Score! 

Resolution One, Check.

If I may say, we've been doing a very fine job of eating "closer to the ground."  Granted some things looked a bit like baby food. (Butternut squash soup last night--delicious, I might add). But all has been filling and fulfilling. 

I need to get better at not letting food go bad. 

Like this poor eggplant. If you could feel it, you'd know. 

So much for the Modified Eggplant Parmesan-ish dish I was planning. 
 

Like I was saying, yesterday we had Butternut Squash Soup. 

2 Squash (cubed), 1 potato (cubed), 1 onion (sautéed) , 3 cups water, 4 bullion cubes, 3/4 t marjoram, 1/2 t black pepper, 1/4 t cayanne pepper, 1 clove of garlic (my own addition, what's not better with garlic?).  

Boil until soft. Blend up in food processor or blender (with a few T of cream cheese-optional) until smooth.  {I microwaved my squash and potato to soften first--seriously cuts down prep time}

Botta bing. botta boom.   Serve with whole grain French bread. Not only with you be full after one bowl, but you'll be in love as well. 

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The night before we had Sweet potato & Black bean Burritos.  Yum.  It has been a healthy, largely vegetarian week.   

...Aside from the Kit Kat (Treat of the day brought home my Jason from the hospital! Cha Ching!)  


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Side note: This weekend is a full on "study weekend."  Jason's shelf exam is coming up. Always a bit of a long haul until test day. This rotation has been surprisingly good. Not sure if this means that the buckle down period will be a compensation of the last few months, but I'm hopeful!

Winnings!

Look look came in the mail today!! Lee. Size 4. "New low waist"  "Slender Secret Stretch." Dark wash  jeans.
Can you believe it? I won an online contest!


While blowing my hair dry, I heard a thumping. Thinking it was the upstairs neighbors, I ignored it.  Well it was not and upstairs neighbor, it was a persistent FedEx man with a package for me!  Great surprise.


I haven't worn Lee Jeans since I was in 7th grade. Straight legs. Stone washed.
I tried these lovelies on. High waist indeed. No chance the undies are going to show.  Boot cut. Dark Wash.  I'll take them.
Thanks Lee!

Currently reading/listening

Being a 'big' runner and no longer living near my old college running buddies, sometimes I lose sight of the beauty of silence and solitude of every run. Every. Single. Day. Yes, I'm saying it gets monotonous. Sometimes I wish I had a friend to go out with me. To talk. To be interesting.

But I don't here in this city.

My friends are largely not the running type that I am. (or they have 4 children under the age of 3 and running is an after thought. Not a priority or social event.)

Enter the Audio Book and its little sibling the Podcast.

They are lovely. Really.

I am currently listening to to American Wife, by Curtis Sittenfeld. Thankfully this book, recommended by my friends at NPR (see Terry Gross' Fresh Air Interview with Sittenfeld).

(The "Top Podcast List" is TBA.)

19 discs long. That's a lot of running enjoyment. Even makes me look forward to going out on these cold, gray Ohio days!

With that I'm going to go don my spandex. It's that time. I've puttzed around enough on this Saturday, eaten enough Pillsbury cinnamon rolls in bed with my husband (while watching various TV shows on our computer---What a grand morning!! Once in a blue, med school moon! Love those planned, lazy Saturday mornings!), and haven't yet stepped outside. Yikes-a. Time for a run!

Making introductions (and the thing that makes me laugh every time)

This is my husband, Jason (and The Game of Life in Caribou Coffee... meet our 2 new children)

***

I came across the following pictures on my camera today. I've kept them for a year because they make me laugh each time I see them flash across my camera screen.

First, take note of the sizable icicle in the left hand corner of the photo. Walking out this day, I pointed it out.

He says, "I bet I could kick it."

"What?! Kick it?" I said. Struck by the oddness of his thought. I mean who sees something hanging from an overhang and their first thought is that they may be able to kick it?

And so I laughed... (at him)


He began to kick.

And kick.

I laughed.
And Laughed...
...nearly losing control.



And he kicked until he kicked the icicle down. (You can see from his face that he was going to. Notice the fierce determination. With his other foot barely on the ground, he managed an amazing feat of flexibility to my delight.

I was happy to capture such a moment. Not that a full 3-4 minutes makes it difficult to, but with the doubling over laughing and all..

..."I can't believe you doubted me!"


Persistence. Reason number 7 why I love my husband.