Emerging

Having a migraine is a miserable existence. I'm talking knocked out of life. Forget productivity. Social cues and contact--I cannot grasp or handle it. Repetitive noises are like arrows into my brain. Battery acid spilling around my right hemisphere, overflowing into the orbit of my eye. Then comes the point of nausea and vomiting. Where it seems rational that I'll feel better once I do. But really? It's inhuman. Half the day spent over a toilet. Or sleeping just outside the bathroom door on the floor. Kneading the skin over my temple. Any alternate stimuli. Even throwing up is a better alternate stimuli.

Sometimes I wish I could push a button to take me out of life for a time.

I wonder if many people wish this. In worse circumstances than I.

* * *
But then there are the blessings in this curse...

I call it Emerging.
The easing of the pain. Out of no where. Like fog lifting in the sun.

I find myself enjoying smiling or laughing at a joke.  Or catching a moment without pain. (There. *gasp* I feel nothing)


The blessing of nothing.

Then gradually more nothing. Beautiful.

When there is majority of nothing I get to take a shower.
My Emerging Ritual.

To wash away the pain. The grime of the day. The ushering in of something new. To let water wash over a broken body and celebrate a new day is the most beautiful thing. I am here. I feel good.

Thanks be to God for Feeling Nothing. For feeling GOOD!

Thank you, GOD!  For New. For beginnings. For starting over.

* * *

And this is the second thing I am thankful for.

I am thankful for the way my migraines make me appreciate the goodness in mundane, everyday life.  The way they make me appreciative the other side of things.

Though I think I would give them up in a second, these beastly migraines. I hate them passionately for they are crippling at times. But I do know that I'm a truly more thankful, more genuine person with this little swagger in my step.
Not everyone has the opportunity to Emerge on a weekly basis. To into a clean, new state. To feel like they have been born again so often...and have the opportunity to say thank you for the everyday.

And for this I am grateful.